being as in love with you as i am
by KlarolinexDelenaxx
Summary: Love is everything. This tells a story of two people who love each other so much that it's slowly driving them apart, but they can't let each other go, no matter what life throws at them. What if they need to let each other go to be happy again? how far can they go? Leela. Trevor. Ziggy. [INDEFINITE HIATUS]
1. Chapter 1

_Quiet. _It was so quiet...

I lay in bed thinking of the life I had now; a life with my amazing husband and beautiful daughter; _our beautiful daughter. _

My names Leela Lomax and my husband who I loved for so long was Trevor Royale. Our romance has been anything but simple, but we made it and we're finally happy, well, I guess, I just don't know anymore. _I loved him right?_

I met Trevor when I was eighteen and we had an on again off again relationship; he pushed, I pulled. We were both scared of our feelings, both scared of commitment but we couldn't let each other go, I guess this is how we got here today.

Trevor was in and out of prison most of his life, it was his second home. I knew he was good deep down, but knowing all the bad he did made me lonely and sometimes I questioned our future, but when push came to shove I couldn't let him go; the first time we split up it only lasted a week, a week, that was all I could go without him, because I did love him, I loved him so much it hurt.

I was startled from my thoughts by a soft tap at the closed bedroom door. I looked to my side to see the cold and empty space where Trevor usually slept and a single tear escaped my eye; cascading down my cheek as the knock sounded again along with a voice.

Quickly brushing the fallen tear away and willing the rest not to fall, I answered.

"Come in Sweetie"

"Mommy" my six-year-old little girl cried out as she jumped on the bed, wrapping her tiny arms around me and kissing my cheek causing me to smile in delight.

"Good morning princess, how is my little angel this morning?" I asked her.

I noticed her eyes looking in the direction of Trevor's side of the bed and I know she could tell something wasn't right.

I reached out and ran my hand down her cheek "Babe..."

"Where's Daddy?" Lily asked.

After I gave birth to Lily Trevor got arrested therefore missing the first year of her life, he didn't even know her name when he got realised; I chose the name, I mean she needed a name, and Trevor wasn't around so I named her myself.

"Mum..." Lily called out, breaking me from my thoughts once again.

"Dad went to work early" I told her, giving her a weak smile.

"But it's Saturday, he promised that he would take me to the park today" she moaned.

"They called him in, I'm sorry baby"

"Can you take me?" she asked hopefully.

"Not today babe, maybe tomorrow yeah?" I told her; I hated to break her little heart, she loved the park but I really wasn't up for taking her today.

"Do you love him?" she said suddenly, shocking me.

"Of course I do" I told her but she looked unsure.

"But you always fight" she whispered, looking down.

"Lily..." I sighed and she looked up at me "I do love him, just like he loves me and we both love you very much, I promise"

"Why do you always fight then? Polly said if you love someone you don't fight, but you and Daddy do and it makes me sad" she said, looking at me with sad eyes.

"Listen Lily, sometimes love is hard, _very hard, _when you're all grown up and meet that special one you will understand..." I started, but Lily spoke, cutting me off.

"I am grown up, you and Daddy say, I'm a big girl now" she said, giving me a big toothy grin.

"Yes you are a big girl, but I mean when you're even bigger..."

"Like you and Daddy?" she asked innocently.

"Yes baby, just like me and Daddy" I said, giving her a sad smile "How about you go play in your room for a bit and I'll come get you soon and we can have some breakfast okay?"

"Okay..." she jumped off the bed and skipped to the door "Maybe I can ask Ziggy to take me to the park" she said before leaving the room, shutting the door behind her.

Ziggy Roscoe was our neighbour. I had known him for years, he was a mate; always there for me even when I didn't want him, he was my rock; my best mate, but I carried this deep secret that threatened it all, and everytime me and Trevor argued it made me think about the massive lie I kept from everyone.

Deciding it was time to get out of bed I got up. I chucked the covers back and made my way to the door, heading for the bathroom.

"Lil, I'm just going in the shower are you okay?" I called to my daughter.

"Yeah" she called back so I went into the bathroom and jumped in the shower.

The warm water of the shower hit me and I felt relaxed for the first time in ages. I tried not to think _where was Trevor? Can I do this anymore? _All these unanswered questions filled with uncertainty, but really I knew the answer to my last thought, the answer was yes. _YES. _I loved him. _I love him. _

I was just finishing up my shower when I heard a knock sound at the door, followed by a pair of footprints running downstairs.

"I'll answer it Mum" came a distant voice.

I stepped out the shower and grabbed a tower, making my way out the door and downstairs.

* * *

**So who do you think is at the do? What direction do you think this story will do in? I have it all planned out about what will happen, but what do you all think is going to happen? let me know you thoughts x**


	2. Chapter 2

_Ziggy. Ziggy. Ziggy_

When I got downstairs I saw Lily and Ziggy in the kitchen. Lily had the biggest grin on her face as she sat on the kitchen counter chatting away at a hundred miles per hour to Ziggy, not that he seemed to mind.

He quickly glanced at me and winked at me causing a smile to form on my lips; Ziggy could always cheer me up, he was pretty amazing like that.

He went back to looking at my daughter, seemingly listening to everything she was saying. Smiling to myself at the picture in front of me; seeing how well they got on always astonished me; Lily loved Ziggy like a second Dad and I didn't know how to feel about this; this was another reason why the secret I kept could never get out, it won't just hurt me, but it will hurt my daughter and I didn't want that; I never wanted that.

"Right you, now that you've talked my ear off how about I make you some pancakes" I heard Ziggy say.

"Yes please" Lily said enthusiastically.

"Want some?" he asked...

"Oi dreamer" Ziggy called, getting my attention "I said do you want some pancakes?"

"Oh, sorry, urm, no I'm alright thanks" I said absentmindedly.

"Mummy and Daddy had a fight" Lily said and my eyes shot to her, giving her a warning look.

"Well, you always fight" she said looking at me, giving me a slight shrug.

"Lily..." I sighed, but Ziggy quickly interrupted me.

"Come on Lil's how about you tell me what you got for your birthday" he said as I made my way upstairs again.

I went to mine and Trevor's room and quickly got changed. I could hear Lily taking away to Ziggy downstairs.

I sat at my make-up table brushing my hair before shoving it up in a messy bun when I heard footsteps on the landing and they got closer and closer before there was a knock on the door.

I walked over to the door and opened it to be met by Ziggy's soft eyes; I could see the sympathy in them and I suddenly burst out crying.

"Come here babe" he said, pulling me into a tight hug; he stroked my hair in a comforting way and I slowly closed my eyes, inhaling his scent._ He smelling nice, why couldn't he be Trevor?_

Pulling myself together I slowly pulled away from him, wiping my eyes.

"I'm sorry" I said as I went to sit on the bed.

"Why are you sorry babe, you have nothing to be sorry for" he said coming to sit beside me.

I sniffed, willing myself not to cry again.

"What would I do without you" I said honestly, smiling at him.

"I don't know babe" he said smugly.

"Hey, I think I'd do just fine without you thank you very much" I told him, playfully sticking my tongue out at him.

"Keep telling yourself that babe"

"You're so full of yourself" I said with a smile.

"And you love it" he teased.

"Umm" I responded, I defiantly felt a little bit better; Ziggy never failed to cheer me up.

"So what's the asshole done now?" he asked me causing me to frown at him.

"What? He never has and never will be good enough for you babe" he shrugged.

"I love him" I said.

"I know you do babe" he said pulling me in for another hug "And he loves you"

"You think?" I asked pulling away from his embrace.

"I do, I mean how could he not? You're amazing, beautiful, smart, kind... he would have to be really stupid not to..."

"I love you..." he trailed of "You're my best mate" he grinned.

"You're so soppy" I teased him.

"Only for you, only for you babe" he winked and I laughed.

"Anyway where is my daughter?" I asked standing up.

"Watching Hannah Montana, that girl is obsessed" Ziggy said and I chuckled making my way to the door and downstairs.

"When's Daddy coming home?" Lily asked when I walked into the kitchen.

"Soon..." I said "I hope..." I added to myself making sure she couldn't hear me.

"Well I best be off, just popped in to see my two favourite girls" Ziggy said, entering the kitchen.

"No no no no don't leave, please I'm bored" Lily said running into the kitchen.

"How about me and you take a trip to the park?" Ziggy said.

"Can I? Please mummy pretty please pleassssssssssssssse" Lily begged.

"Go on then, get your shoes and coat" I told her.

"Yes, thank you" she said, running off and returning seconds later with her coat and shoes on.

"Thanks for this" I told Ziggy.

"No worries, I love spending time with the little lady" he said, causing me to smile.

I watched as they left the house.

"Bye Mummy, love you" Lily shouted before the door slam shut and I was left alone.

I stood in the kitchen unmoved, thinking of me and Trevor and our relationship.

**Flashback**

I stood in front of my mirror checking my appearance; tonight was my first date with Trevor, after two years of being friends_; _more like friends with benefits he finally agreed to go on a date with me, so here I was getting ready and hoping that everything was perfect; but this was me and Trevor after all so maybe not so perfect, but I could hope right?

I made my way downstairs, seeing my sister Tegan sat on the couch with papers all around her; university work I presumed. We smiled at each other briefly but we never said a word to each other; she didn't like Trevor, nor did any of my family to be honest, so me and Trevor was particularly a sore subject, always ending in an argument.

I opened the door, making my way to Trevor's who happened to live right next door to us. I walked to his door, but something made me stop, I could feel the warm tears coming; there he was with his tongue down another girl's throat.

I coughed loudly causing Trevor to look up, he met my eyes and I just turned away, not wanting to look at him; _how could he?_

"Lee baby... wait, it was nothing, she means nothing" he said and I started to walked away.

Next thing I heard...

_SLAP_

I turned around to see that the girl had slapped Trevor, rather hard across the cheek. _Good. _I recognised the bitch to be Grace Black, that stupid tart, I hated her and the feeling was very much mutual.

She turned around giving me one of her wicked smirks then just walked off without a word.

"How could you?... and with her of all people" I yelled.

"Please, it was nothing, it meant nothing, she was just... you know how she is... come on, just forget it" Trevor begged, stepping closer to me.

"I actually thought this could work... stupid, stupid, stupid... I hate you, did you sleep with her?" I shouted, only to be met with silence.

He couldn't look me in the eyes and I knew the answer to my question.

"It meant nothing... she was meant to be gone, you wasn't meant to see her" he said, making me angrier and angrier.

"Oh, that makes it all better, thank you for that" I shouted, planting another slap across his cheek.

"Can people stop doing that" he said, holding his cheek.

"Maybe if you stopped being such an arse people would" I spat.

"Maybe we were never meant to be more than friends" I whispered sadly.

"Yeah... maybe, we're great friends" he said winking at me.

"Urgh, well you can forget that, you can forget me, I never want to see you again" I shouted before running off.

**End Flashback**

I was pulled from the harsh memory by the sound of keys in the front door.


	3. Chapter 3

**This story is now changing rating to M, which probably isn't a surprise haha**

* * *

My heart seemed to stop, then all of a sudden Trevor was standing in front of me; my heart was racing now, I didn't know what to do; kiss him or hit him, or both?

I met his eyes and all I could see was love in them and my angry seemed to fade away, I could never stay angry with Trevor; the moment I saw him I forgave him for anything; my love for him was surely unhealthy, but I couldn't stop loving him; I didn't know how. Our love was hard but it was worth fighting for, wasn't it?

Trevor went to speak but I cut him off with a passionate kiss; the kiss was rough and anything but soft and gentle and before I knew it my back was pressed against the wall; I could feel his arousal through his jeans and it turned me on even more.

Suddenly my anger returned and I pushed him away from me, straightening my top out.

I walked forward and slapped him so hard across the cheek that my hand started throbbing in pain and I heard Trevor hiss in pain.

"I loved you" I cried.

"And I love you baby, please, I was stupid, I love you so much, please, I need you"

"You cheated on me" I yelled.

Every time in the last six years he has cheated on me I have screamed and shouted at him, but I always had this nagging voice at the back of my head, shouting hypocrite; _hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite; _If only he knew.

I didn't sleep with her" he shouted back.

"Oh that's alright then isn't it?"

"No babe, I'm not saying that, but please, you're the only girl for me, it was stupid, I was drunk and angry"

"Oh that makes it all better then, all is forgiven" I said sarcastically.

"Please, just give me one last chance, I beg you"

"I always give you one last chance" I yelled at him.

"I'm sorry baby" Trevor whispered, and then he went to walk out of the kitchen.

"Wait" I said, grabbing his arms before kissing him gently on the lips; I could feel his tongue licking at my lips asking for entrance and I slowly gave in; opening my month I felt his tongue slip in causing a moan to escape my lips.

I felt his hands snake under my top and land on my bra covered breasts, then they reached around and unclasped my bra before letting it drop to the floor.

"I love you" he said huskily, kissing and biting my neck causing me to whimper.

"Trevor, please..." I begged "Fuck me..."

Suddenly my top was on the floor with my bra and he started kissing his way down my body stopping at my chest and taking one of my nipples into his month and sucking while his hand began playing with my other one.

"Trevor, you need to take you clothes off, I need you, now" I gasped.

He released my nipple from his month with a pop, then he stood back and quickly pulled his clothes from his body, while I removed my jeans and knickers and kicked them to the side.

We were both finally naked as our bodies collided together in desperation for each other.

I could feel Trevor's cock at my entrance, teasing me "Trevor..." I moaned.

He placed his lips on mine and kissed me before suddenly pushing into me, filling me, swallowing my cries of pleasure. It felt amazing to be connected again; what with Lily and all the fights we had we hadn't been together like this for weeks, and it felt fucking amazing.

As he began to thrust in and out of me I felt as if my legs were going to give way at any minute so I wrapped them around his waist and met him thrust by thrust, quickly finding our rhythm.

Suddenly there was a loud crash and I felt myself being moved backwards before my bum hit the cold kitchen counter and Trevor placed me on top of it as he began to pound into me even faster.

"Fuck..."

"Let go baby" he whispered in my ear and that was my undoing which triggered his own orgasm and I felt him empty inside of me.

After we had both recovered we stayed like this, feeling each others warmth.

"I love you" I whispered in his ear.

He slowly pulled out of me, leading me upstairs.

"I'm going to prove to you you're the only girl for me, I don't want anyone else but you" he whispered in my ear before picking me up bridle style not caring that we were both naked.

I let out a giggle as we made our way upstairs.


	4. Chapter 4

**Flashback**

"Come on Leela, you've wasted enough tears on that waste of space" I heard Tegan shout through my bedroom door.

I didn't respond I just turned to my side; facing away from the world.

"Leela, get up" Tegan said, now right beside me, looking at me with sympathy "Come on, he isn't worth it"

"I could have loved him" I cried.

"Well good job you found out what he's really like before it's too late" she said as the tears silently fell down my cheeks.

I turned to face her, wiping my fallen tears away "That's it though" I said, throwing my hands in the air and sitting up. Tegan sat on the bed beside me, waiting for me to continue.

"I knew what he was like, what he IS like... but that didn't stop me from falling for him, did it?" the tears started again; if only it was as simple as to forget him and move on.

"He isn't worth it, they are plenty of other guys out there, ones that will treat you right, you just gotta forget him and go and find the right ones" she said with a soft smile.

"Maybe you're right, I mean he hasn't called or text, he hasn't even tried to see me, he mustn't be that bothered" I said, noticing Tegan's guilty look; she couldn't meet my eyes.

"He hasn't has he?" I asked, not really knowing what I wanted the answer to be.

"He has, but he isn't worth it, and Dad kind of told him to leave you alone..." she told me sheepishly.

"It's my choice... Dad had no right" I shouted, getting up "It's my life" I yelled before leaving my room and going downstairs, heading for the door; deciding I had to go and see him.

As I stood in front of Trevor's door I found myself frozen to the spot, not sure if I really wanted to knock or not, but before I could really decide the door flew open revealing a wet Trevor with just a towel around his waist.

"H...Hey" I stuttered.

"Hey" he replied.

"Can I come in?"

"I don't know, will your Dad approve?"

"Probably not" I said walking into his flat "But I don't care"

**End Flashback**

I could feel my wet cheeks as I lay beside Trevor in our bed after our earlier activities. Looking at Trevor lying beside me just made the tears come even quicker, so I looked away deciding what I had to do; I forgave him the very first time he cheated on me and the many times after that, and I don't think I could do it anymore; he continually broke my heart only to put the pieces back together and do it all over again, plus our fighting was affecting Lily and I promised myself I would never let that happen.

_It was now or never._

I turned to face Trevor and watched how peaceful he looked, reaching over I gently touched his cheek and leant forward to place a soft kiss at the side of his month, then I slowly climbed from the bed.

"Where are you doing babe?" Trevor's voice sounded, startling me from my own thoughts.

"I can't do this anymore" I whispered, before hearing the front door open followed by an excited little voice.

"We're back" I heard Lily shout.

"We'll talk later" I simply said before pulling some clothes on quickly and hurrying downstairs.

"Hey" I said as enthusiastically as possible.

"Hey Mummy, is Daddy home?" Lily asked me.

"Yeah, he's just in the shower, he'll come down to see you in a bit"

"Did you and Daddy make up?" she asked naively.

I caught Ziggy's eyes and saw him raise his eyebrow at me, so I gave him and slight smile before answering my daughter.

"It's complicated babe, but we both love you very much, remember that" I said, not wanting to lie to her.

"Okay" she smiled, seemingly happy with this answer; she skipped off and turned the TV on.

"So, you want to talk about it babe?" Ziggy said to me and I just shook my head and walked off into the kitchen.

Ziggy followed me as I walked into the kitchen and picked mine and Trevor's scattered clothes up off the floor, earning a pointed look from him.

"So, it's like that is it?" he said and I just looked at him, chucking the clothes into a basket at the end of the kitchen.

"If only it was that simple" I replied, leaning against the kitchen counter as I felt my tears threaten to break free again.

"I'm here for you yeah" Ziggy said, walking closer to me, so I rested me head on his chest, trying to find the comfort I so desperately needed.

"Hey" he said, wrapping his arms around me "Whatever you need, I'm here, for you and Lily...Always"

I smiled at how kind and sweet Ziggy was. I felt lucky to have him in my life; I remember when I first met him I thought he was just another player; womanizer, but as I got to know him I knew he wasn't, he was one of the most caring guys I had ever met and I loved him for that; he slowly became my best friend, my rock; the person I told all my problems to and the person who helped me through them all.

**Flashback **

The queue was long as I waited in college coffee to order my usually.

This guy caught my attention as he chatted up most of the girls in front of me.

I was laughing inside; he thought he was god's gift to woman.

"Alright, what's a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?" he spoke to me.

"Urm" I looked around "Waiting for coffee, this is a coffee shop, you know" I replied sarcastically.

"Here let me buy your coffee" he said, smirking at me as I got to the front of the line.

"So you think you can buy me? And what, I'll sleep with you" I said.

"No, no of course not" he said rather quickly, causing me to scoff.

I got my coffee and I turned to leave but I slipped causing the contents of my plastic cup to spill down the front of the guy's plain white shirt.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry" I said, feeling rather embarrassed even though I was the only person left at the counter as well as the guy that I had just split coffee over.

"No worries" he said as if it was nothing and all of the sudden he took his top off.

"Get the lady another drink" he said to Tony, then he placed some money on the counter and left without another word.

"I'm Ziggy by the way" he called.

**End Flashback**

I moved away from him, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you" I whispered.

"What for?"

"Everything" I beamed before going to see what Lily was watching and what she wanted for her lunch.


	5. Chapter 5

Ziggy had left and I was now sitting on the couch with Lily who was quietly eating her sandwich and watching Hannah Montana; she had the DVDs, it was her favourite ever show and she was always watching it.

I sat looking at the TV screen but I wasn't really paying any attention whatsoever; my mind was somewhere else.

**Flashback**

I slowly walked to Trevor's dreading what I would find; we had only known each other a couple of weeks yet we had become fast friends.

Seeing his door open I slowly walking in and the sight before me broke my heart; _he didn't deserve this?_

Trevor had got the news recently that his Mum had cancer and only had weeks to live; it was killing him and I didn't know how to help him, plus his low-life of a Dad had run off leaving him to cope with it all on his own; he was only nineteen.

I walked into the flat to find everything was smashed; no surface was left untouched.

Looking to my side I saw Trevor crouched in the corner with his head in his hands.

I walked over to him and bent down beside him, gently reaching out I placed my hand on his knee but he quickly jerked it off.

"Trev..." I whispered but he ignored me, so I just sat down beside him and rested me head on his shoulder which to my surprise Trevor didn't seem to mind.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered making him look up and turn his head in my direction; I could see the pain in his eyes.

"He just ran off" he said quietly "I needed him..."

"I know..." I paused, searching his eyes and all I could she was pain in them; I had never seem him like this before, he was always tough, never showing his emotion.

"You've got me" I whispered, taking his hand in mine.

He gave me a soft smile but the smile didn't feel right; I mean of course it wasn't; he just found out his Mum only had weeks to live and his Dad... well his useless Dad had done a bunk, leaving him to do it all on his own, well he had me and I was going to be there for him; we would get through this together.

**End Flashback **

I came back to the present day when I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Daddy" Lily cried, running around the back of the sofa.

Looking around I saw Trevor tickling Lily, earning a string of giggles from her.

"I missed you Daddy" she said in between laughter.

"I missed you too princess" he said scooping her up in his arms and giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

"Daddy?" she asked seriously.

"Yes Lily"

"Do you love Mummy?"

The question brought a tear to my eye as I met Trevor's soft eyes.

"Yeah" Trevor swallowed, not breaking eye contact with me "So much" he said, smiling at me with so much love; _how could I leave him? How could I throw away six years of marriage, and all the years before that? How could I walk away from the man I loved? _

I quickly looked away from him, trying to clear my head; boy was this going to be hard.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to the guest reviewer, it made me smile, so i am replying on here seen as I can't reply to you direct, anyway keep reading to find out! &amp; massive thanks to WhitneyMcDonald for continuously reviewing, means a lot :)**

* * *

I was waiting on the couch as Trevor was upstairs putting Lily to bed; my mind thinking back to the time just after Trevor's Mum's funeral.

**Flashback **

"Trevor, just... please don't do this" I said as the tears ran down my face.

"I need to, the memories... there're too painful, I need to get away" Trevor replied.

"What about me? What about us?" I cried.

"There is no us" he said.

"I wanted more..." I whispered.

"And I didn't, we were friends... friends who slept together once or twice, but that's all we were"

"So that's it?" I sniffed, trying to control my tears.

"I guess..."

"I helped you, I was there for you and this is how you repay me, you just leave" I was crying even harder now.

"I need to get out of here, I have nothing left..." he said with the hint of tears in his eyes.

"YOU HAVE ME!" I screamed.

"I'm sorry" he whispered before heading in the direction of the door.

"No, no, please don't leave me" I said in between sobs.

Trevor ignored me and headed out of the door into the pouring rain.

"I love you" I shouted at him causing him to stop and turn around.

We stood staring at each other for what seemed like eternity, neither of us caring that we were now drenched.

My heart thudded in my chest as Trevor didn't reply; it was silence apart from the sounds of the rain pouring down around us.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid; _I didn't mean to say that.

The silence was deafening; it was killing me, so I walked forward and kissed him, next thing I knew we were back in the flat; my back was pinned to the wall and my Top was disregarded on the floor.

The next day Trevor agreed to stay after much pleading and begging, and we agreed the previous events were a mistake and we went back to being 'just friends' but somehow we kept falling into bed together together, but we was just friends; this was the real beginning of our agreement to be friends with benefits.

**End Flashback **

Trevor emerged from upstairs and came to sit beside me.

Putting his hand on my knee I shook it off and stood up, deciding I needed some distant between us if I was going to do this.

"Babe..." he began.

"I meant it, I can't do this anymore... I love you, god knows I do but this" pointing between us "this, our relationship is unhealthy and I can't do it" I cried.

"So six years of marriage just thrown away like that" he said with a snap of his fingers.

"Trevor, you're killing me" I sobbed "You cheat and you cheat and you cheat, how do you think that makes me feel?"

"It was a mistake, it will never happen again I swear to you baby, I love you"

"You keep making the same mistake again and again and again and you always say it won't happen again and guess what? It does, doesn't it? You just can't help yourself" I said feeling angry now.

"So what? This marriage is over, is that what you're saying?" he said.

I swallowed hard before sinking to the floor and dissolving into tears; I was weak, especially when it can to Trevor.

"I don't know" I managed to get out in between cries.

The sound of quiet sobs got my attention causing me to look up.


	7. Chapter 7

"Lily" I said, wiping my tears away and standing up "You should be in bed?"

"I heard shouting" she said as she cried.

"Don't cry, it's okay, how about I take you back to bed"

"Daddy?..." she asked looking at him in concern.

"It's all going to be okay" he said looking towards me and I quickly looked away; it was never going to all be okay.

"Let Mummy take you back to bed" he said gently.

Lily shook her head from side to side "No, I don't want to go back to bed, you're just going to shout and I don't like it when you shout" she said as she started crying again.

"Lily you need to go to bed, Mummy and Daddy promise not to shout again" Trevor told her as I pulled my phone from my pocket quickly sending a text to someone; receiving a reply in no time.

"Hey Lil, how about you spend the night at Ziggy's?" I questioned her, causing her to look at me and smile.

"Really?"

"Really" I said "But you gotta make sure you sleep, it's already way past your bedtime"

Just then a knock sounded at the door and I quickly let Ziggy in, noticing the look that Trevor was giving me I ignoring it and focused my attention on just Lily and Ziggy.

"Thank you for this, you're a life saver" I whispered to Ziggy as he walked in the door.

Ziggy didn't have time to respond because Lily ran up to him and threw herself at him, he quickly caught her in his arms and she buried her head in the crook of his neck.

"Hey Lily, how's my favourite little girl then?" Ziggy asked causing her to look up, but she quickly hid her face again.

"Come on" he said placing Lily on the floor, let's go to mine and get you to bed"

"Can we watch a film?" Lily asked hopefully.

"No, you need to sleep"

"But..." she went to protest but Ziggy interrupted her.

"But nothing Missy"

Lily crossed her arms and sulked at this.

"If you don't sleep now you will be too tired tomorrow then we won't be able to go to the park will we?"

Lily pondered Ziggy's reasoning and then smiled "Okay" she said happily, and then she started to pull Ziggy out of the house with her.

Ziggy threw a quick wink at me before he disappeared out of the door leaving me grinning to myself; he was always so good with her.

Trevor and I were alone again and as I noticed the way he was looking at me the grin quickly fell from my face.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing" he said in a 'you know what tone'

"Clearly it's something, just tell me" I shouted.

"I've never liked your and Ziggy's friendship" he said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snapped at him; this wasn't the first time mine and Ziggy's friendship had caused an argument.

**Flashback**

Trevor heard a knock on the door as he was watching television; him and Leela had been together on and off for three years; three years that were far from easy but they loved each other. He had only just come out of prison that day.

As he sat on the sofa he remembered the look on Leela's face as she walked in on him and another woman kissing; he didn't mean for it to happen, it just did; he had been in prison for almost a year; a year without the person he loved, then once he got out of prison Leela had insisted she was going on a night out with Ziggy, so Trevor headed to the club on his own, and that's when it all happened; just a kiss nothing more, just one stupid kiss, but Leela had happened to come into the club and see them.

He wasn't really paying any attention to the television, all he could think about was Leela, he loved her he really did but he kept messing up, he kept on hurting her.

As he glanced at the clock on the wall he saw it was almost one in the morning and she still wasn't back.

Suddenly he heard a pair of keys in the door followed by some giggling, so he stood up and made his way to the door and opened it to find a drunken Leela being held up by Ziggy.

He reached forward to take her from Ziggy and help her in the house but she swatted his hand away.

"Get off me, I don't know where you're been" she slurred before giggling to herself "I don't need you, I got Ziggy" she added, she drunkenly kissed him on the lips.

"Lee babe stop, what ya doing?" Ziggy spoke.

"I love you Ziggy, I'm so glad we're friends" she frowned "When I first met you I thought you were just another scumbag but you're not..."

"You... you've... h "she hiccupped "handsome"

"And you're drunk" Ziggy said with a hint of laughter.

"No, I'm fine" she said "I'm totally..." she started to fall over but Ziggy caught her "Fine" she said as she started laughing to herself.

"Trevor..." she said as she put her hands on his chest.

"Yes babe" he replied.

"I love you" she said as she leant over to whisper something to him.

Trevor started laughing at what she just said before answering her seriously.

"No we cannot, now you need to get to bed..." Trevor started to say as Leela pulled a face "Would you stop spinning... I think I'm going to be sick" she said as she put her hand over her month and tried to move forward only to fall into Trevor.

"Okay, you definitely need to sleep it off" Trevor said as he pulled her into the flat with him nodding at Ziggy in thanks before kicking the door shut.

Later that night Trevor lay awake in bed next to a sleeping Leela; she was going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. He was thinking about Leela and Ziggy's friendship, they were so close and sometimes he got jealous of how close they were but whenever her confronted Leela about it she always reassured him they were just friends and nothing else.

**End Flashback **

"Just forget it yeah" Trevor shouted at her.

"Trevor, how many times, he's my best friend"

"Is that what you call it?" he said and I looked at him as if he had just slapped me in the face.

"I'm not you" I yelled at him.

"Well maybe if you weren't so boring..." he shouted back, only to quickly take it back "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that"

"You did" I shouted "You know what just forget it, forget us, I'm going to stay at Ziggy's at least he cares"

"I care"

"Well you have a funny way of showing it"

Trevor's eyes soften at that and he walked over to me but I walked backwards not wanting him anywhere near me, not now.

"Babe, please, I'm sorry, I love you..."

"Your love is poison" I yelled at him as tears ran down my cheeks. "I need time, then maybe we can talk sensibly without fighting or shouting, just talk like two grownups"

"You're leaving me?"

"I need to Trevor, we're bad for each other, we both need time to think, we need to make this marriage work or we need to let each other go, and whatever it is it's up to you Trevor, you need to change or you're going to lose me forever.

"I love you..."

"I love you too but you need to change and fast or I'm gone for good, the choice is yours..."

"What about Lily?" he asked.

"You can still see her but she'll be staying at Ziggy's until we're sorted us out"

"You can't just take my daughter away from me" he shouted.

"I can" I told him.

"She's my daughter" he yelled causing me to flinch.

"No she isn't" I shouted in angry; it was true but I never wanted it to come out, not like this.

Before I knew what was happening I was against the wall.

"Trevor Get off... Ow you're hurting me" I said and he loosened his grip just enough so that he wasn't hurting me anymore.

"Who is it? Is it Ziggy" he said through gritted teeth.

"No" I said feeling my hot tears roll down my cheeks.

"Who then?" he asked but I just shook my head at him.

"You don't know? What sort of sla..." before he could finish that sentence my hand connected with him cheek.

Trevor punched the wall behind my causing me to jump.

"I'm sorry... I wanted to tell you but you were so happy, you're so good with Lily, please... I wish you were her Dad..." I cried.

"But I'm not..." he spat.


	8. Chapter 8

**Flashback **

I found myself at Ziggy's door after yet another argument with Trevor; Trevor had just came home from the police station and he was now awaiting a date for his trial for carless driving, and this wasn't the first time so I just knew they would give him a move serious punishment this time; we argued which ended up with me storming out.

"Alright, Alright, I'm coming" he shouted, then the door opened and he stood there in front of me.

"Why does he always do this to me?" I asked before I threw myself in his arms.

"Because he's an idiot" he said wrapping his arms around me and hugging me back.

"I wish he was more like you" I muttered into his chest.

"Come on you" he said as he pulled away from me and tilted my chin up so I was looking at him.

"Let's watch a film and eat junk food that always cheers you up"

"You're the best" I grinned following him into his house.

**End Flashback**

It was about three in the morning as I leant against the outside wall; the memories of when Lily was conceived coming back to me and hitting me like a ton of bricks.

The truth was that ZIGGY ROSCOE WAS LILY'S FATHER and the truth made me sick; sick because I had lied for so long and the truth was going to hurt everyone; it was all just one big mess.

I loved Trevor, but I also hated him; I hated the way I loved him, I was stupid in love with him and I couldn't do anything about it, I could leave him, but that wouldn't change my feelings for him.

Then there was Ziggy; I slept with him and had a baby with him and that baby was Lily; _such a mess._

**Flashback**

"Ziggy..." I asked halfway through the film causing him to look at me "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Cause you are, you're gorgeous babe, any guy would be lucky to have you" he said.

"Then why does Trevor always cheat on me? When he isn't cheating on me he's in prison and when he isn't in prison he's out with his mates" I told him honestly "Am I not enough?"

"You are more than enough, you are everything and he doesn't deserve you" he smiled kindly at me before reaching up to move a strand of hair from in front of my eyes "You're beautiful babe, smart, kind, funny, and don't let any guy make you doubt yourself"

I leant forward and kissed him with all the passion I could muster; I felt him kiss back before gently pushing me away "Babe..."

"I just want to feel loved..." I told him before leaning back in and kissing him again.

**End Flashback**

Ziggy being Lily's dad was just one of the many things that could ruin me and Trevor forever and despite what I said I didn't what that; this is why I need time; time so we can both figure out what we wanted.

Suddenly my phone rang; looking at the caller ID I let out a pained sob_; worst timing ever_, yet another secret of mine which Ziggy nor Trevor knew nothing about.

**Flashback **

"Leela can you do me a massive favor?" Mum asked as I walked downstairs.

I looked at her knowing what she was about to ask.

"Oh no, no I'm going out with Trevor tonight" I told her.

"Please, they asked me to work the night shift and we need the money" Mum said.

"Can't Dad do it?"

"He's got to a board meeting and won't be back until tomorrow, please just look after your sister for me..."

Just then a six-year-old Peri came downstairs.

"Is Leela looking after me?" she asked, running over and wrapping her little arms around my waist.

"Yes" Mum said.

"Yayyyyyy" Peri shouted excitedly.

"Mum" I moaned "I never said that"

"Don't you want to spend time with me?" Peri asked with wide eyes.

"Of course I do, but I have plans"

"Let me come with you" she said.

I sighed as I looked down at her "Fine" I said frowning at Mum "I will stay in"

"Can we watch this?" my sister asked waving her favourite DVD at me.

"Sure, why not" I muttered, sending a quick text to Trevor to tell him I had to cancel.

Suddenly Peri stopped halfway to the sofa and turned to me "You're the best big sister" she smiled "I love you"

Suddenly not going out didn't seem so bad after all.

"Love you too kiddo"

**End Flashback **


	9. Chapter 9

I answered the phone with only the slightest amount of hesitation.

"Hello..." I whispered into the speaker.

"Are you alright?" The person on the other end asked.

"Never better" I answered sarcastically before I cried "I messed up"

"Anyway, enough about me... how are you?" I asked willing myself to get a grip.

"I'm good thanks, but I was hoping I could come stay with you for a bit..." she trailed off.

"Peri" I sighed "Now's really not a good time"

"Pleaaaasssseeee" she begged "Come on, I can spend some time with Lily"

"I don't know, I kind of haven't got anywhere to stay yet, me and Trevor are taking a break..."

"Why? Has he been cheating again? He's no good for you Leela, I keep telling you"

"I know but I love him and there's more to it than that"

"Such as"

"He knows..." I told her.

"He knows that Ziggy's the Dad?" she asked on the other end.

"Well he knows he isn't Lily's Dad..."

"So he doesn't know it's Ziggy then? Leela you need to tell him"

"I know and I will..."

"When?"

"Soon, I promise"

"So where's Lily now?"

"She's at Ziggy's, I'm going to ask if he's alright with us staying with him for a bit" I told her.

"Of course he will be, you know he loves you and Lily to pieces, and he doesn't even know he's her Dad"

"I know Peri" I sighed "It's all such a mess..." I added barely above a whisper.

"Look I'll ask Ziggy and let you know, Lily will still be in bed it's only 6am, but I'm sure she would love to see her auntie Peri.

"So I'm still her auntie huh?"

"Peri, please..." I started but she cut me off.

"No, when are you going to be honest with everyone, including yourself" she shouted.

"Peri..." I started to say but she hung up on me.

Ending the call I threw my phone at the wall in front of me in anger.

I sat against the wall for what seemed like forever before deciding to go to Ziggy's; of course he would let me stay; there was nothing he wouldn't do for me and that just made me feel guiltier for lying to him.

Standing outside of Ziggy's door I knocked quietly; not wanting to wake Lily up.

"What time..." he trailed off as her opened the door to see me stood there.

"Oh, hey" he said, opening the door fully to let me in.

"Can I stay here for a few days?" I asked as I made my way into the house "And Lily of course"

"Of course you can, you both can, for as long as you need" he said with no questions asked which I was grateful for.

"Thanks" I said as I suddenly felt all of today's events catch up with me causing me to yawn.

"Come on you, you're knackered" he said "You can have the bed and I'll take the floor"

I smiled at him before following him to his bedroom.

As I lay in bed I started thinking about Peri and what she said _'when are you going to be honest with everyone, including yourself'_. I don't know how I had managed to keep it a secret for so long.

I needed to tell Ziggy and Trevor the truth about everything; I didn't mean to lie and keep secrets from either of them but it just got so hard to tell them, the longer I put it off the harder it got, besides Trevor and I had such a turbulent relationship that when we weren't fighting I wanted to keep it that way so telling him the truth wasn't an option then.

Before I told either of them the truth I needed to be completely honest with myself about Lily and Peri; the truth was...


	10. Chapter 10

_The truth was..._

* * *

I had two daughters; Peri and Lily were both my daughters, but everyone knew Peri as my sister, including Lily; she was always auntie Peri to Lily. Mum brought Peri up as her own and it just stayed that way; Peri found out when she was fourteen but I told her it was easier if Sam was her Mum, but as Peri got older she became more insistent that I told people she was my daughter; including Trevor, Ziggy and Lily, and now it was just a big mess of lies. I was thirty with a sixteen year old daughter and a six-year-old daughter.

I tossed and turned; trying the get to sleep but no matter how tired I was sleep just wouldn't come. Looking at the clock on Ziggy's bedside table I saw it was nearly nine in the morning.

A knock sounded on the bedroom door followed by the call of Ziggy's name causing me to smile to myself.

"What is it Lil?" Ziggy mumbled sleepily from the floor.

"Can I come in?" she asked.

"Sure" Ziggy mumbled as the she pushed the door open.

"Mummy" she said, rushing over to give me a hug.

"Hi darling" I said as I hugged her back.

"Did you stay here last night?" she asked as she climbed onto the bed and sat beside me.

"I did"

"What? In here?" she asked looking around the room as Ziggy had seemingly fell back to sleep.

"Yes, Ziggy slept on the floor and let Mummy sleep in the bed, isn't that nice of him?

"Yeah, Ziggy's nice, I like Ziggy but not better than Daddy, I love Daddy" she paused and then looked at me with a worried expression "Did you and Daddy fight really badly?"

"Don't worry about it sweetie" I said, feeling my heart-break from what she had just said "How about you go get dressed and play with some of your toys Ziggy has over here for you?"

"Okay, but am I still allowed to see Daddy?"

"I will never stop you from seeing him" I told her quietly.

I watched with a sad smile as she ran off out of the room.

"Are you okay?" came Ziggy's voice from the floor.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I said giving him my best attempt of a smile.

"No you're not, you're shaking babe" he said getting up and making his way over to me, climbing on the bed and pulling me in for a hug.

"Zig..." I whispered.

"What is it? You can tell me anything"

"You'll hate me, you all will..."

Pulling away from the hug he lifted my chin up so I was looking at him "How could anyone hate you? It's impossible babe"

I gave him a watery smile as I felt my hot tears come; he was so sweet to me and I didn't deserve it.

"I don't hate you, I could never hate you..." he whispered as he stroked his thumb across my cheek.

Suddenly the atmosphere changed and I knew what was about to happen; I couldn't let it happen, we were friends.

Suddenly I blurted it out...

"Trevor isn't Lily Dad"

"What? Of course he is babe...

"No he isn't" I cried "I'm sorry" I repeated over and over.

"What are you sorry for?" he asked.

I looked down.

"You, you're her Dad, it's you" I cried.

"W...what, I'm... what?" he babbled in shock.

"You are Lily's Dad" I said before walking out of the room and going into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me.

I slid down the back of the door as I started hysterically crying.


End file.
